This retro is a hard one to write. Last week was tough. I learned some hard truths that I’m still processing.
I start each one of these posts by copying the previous entry, renaming the file, and deleting the content. Reading what I wrote last week and knowing what came after was not pleasant. I feel like Icarus: my wax wings have melted and I’m in freefall.
I’m not sure how specific I want to be because there are other people involved, but basically I learned that my attempts to grow a relationship beyond its current bounds were starting to feel like pressure to the other person, which is the thing I feared doing the most. I was trying to speedrun a new friendship, trying to get to the “good part” I suppose, but I was doing that on my own. I wasn’t including them in this grand scheme of mine, which was my biggest mistake.
It’s worked for me in the past, but that was a very specific set of circumstances. Years ago, before I left Louisiana where I’d grown up, I worked with a guy, and we clicked rather quickly. After I told him that we were moving away in less than a year, we both decided that we were going to maximize the friendship, accelerate it. And we did. It was an incredible nine to ten months. The difference is we both agreed to do that.
In the case of this new friend, I was trying to do all the accelerating on my own, without considering whether we were moving at the same pace. Totally fair. And honestly, we don’t need to speed run this friendship. I feel like I need to because of this journey I’m on to make my life bigger. I also know by doing that I’m missing out on the friendship that’s actually happening while I try to rocket us someplace else. Foolish. I see that now. I saw it then too, if I’m honest with myself.
It boils down to—I think—my inability to sit with discomfort. I’m not prepared to write about that fully today, but when that discomfort sets in—and it has many forms—every fiber of my being wants to stop it. I revisit past conversations, I imagine future ones. I reach out needlessly for contact like it’s a drug, a fix. And if you’re the focus of all of that, I can imagine how much pressure you’d feel. It’s too much for me to bear, and I put it on someone else. Someone I care about.
I was devastated the day I learned this. I thought I had fucked up and lost another friend, to paraphrase that happy, naive me from last week. I don’t think I have. I’m learning to sit with that discomfort instead of acting on it. Or at least trying to.
So, I’ve developed a mantra of sorts: “Slow down without pulling away.” I’ve got it saved in Apple Notes, along with a few others, to look at when the discomfort settles in. And boy does it. I’m doing the work though.
Things I enjoyed this week
- I discovered the teachings of Pema Chodron this week. She is an American Buddhist teacher, author, and nun who has written a lot about becoming comfortable with uncertainty. Sometimes the algorithm gives you exactly what you need.
- We’ve been watching the latest season of “Slow Horses”, and it’s as good as ever.