The Little Room

Well, it was bound to happen, but I only just realized I forgot to write one of these last week. I’ll try to recap the last two weeks here, but I’ll be honest, even trying to recap a single week is hard enough.

Therapy has been going well. Once I came to the conclusion about participatory vs anticipatory uncertainty, the next step was participating more. What that means for me is staying in the moment and participating in what’s happening right now. I keep waiting for things to happen, or some perfect version of them to happen, when sometimes that thing is actually happening. I’m trying to keep myself in the moment and noticing how often I tend to go into the future. Even on my way to therapy on Thursday I caught myself preparing what I was going to say when I walked into the room. I stopped myself and said “No, just wait until you get there.”

The other side of that coin, though, is that I can now see why I go into the future so often: the present is full of unmet desire, and I’m learning that I don’t handle that very well. Not in an “I’m going to force this to become true” or “my desires outweigh all others” way, more in an “I can’t comfortably sit in a moment not knowing what comes next” kind of way. That’s when my brain kicks into problem-solving mode, mapping out outcomes and possibilities with little or no information. So the outcomes are negative, the possibilities go rotten, and I miss out on the good that’s already happening. Or even the bad. That’s important. It’s not all good, and that’s okay.

I can start to see how I wound up in the box that made my life feel so small. A life on rails has no desires. And of course that’s awful too. What I’ve learned, or at least what I’m learning, is that I’d rather have the bigger life with unmet desires. Now I just need the tools to handle that better than I have been.

This week we wrapped up three weeks of John Hughes films at a theater near our house. One film a week for the past three weeks. We saw “Pretty in Pink”, “The Breakfast Club”, and “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Of the three, the only one I’d ever seen in its entirety was “The Breakfast Club”, but I knew the bones and structure of the other two. I enjoyed all three, but I’d probably rank them in the same order as we saw them.

We also saw Phoebe Bridgers this Thursday on the Saint Paul stop of her Lost Weekend tour. It was incredible. I was worried her songs wouldn’t translate to an arena show, but she managed to pull it off. The show had some of the best lighting and stage design I’ve ever seen, and, of course, Bridgers was great. The best part, though, is I don’t have any photos or video of the show because the tour is a “no phones” tour. When you enter the arena they seal your phone in a pouch that doesn’t unlock until the show is over. It meant people were talking to each other before the show, making friends, and when the show started we all just watched with our own eyes and listened with our own ears. No one pulled their phone out to record the cool moments, of which there were many; instead we all just experienced something amazing together, and you literally had to be there to see it.

Things I enjoyed this week

• We started watching the TV show “Furious” and it is living up to the hype. Thrilling, well-acted, full of great characters.
• We finished DTF St. Louis this week, which started oddly but finished strong. It’s a dark comedy that deals with some heady themes, including loneliness, which really resonated with me.

The week was about coming back, getting back to routine, and the comedown from the NYC trip. I was also getting over a cold that my wife eventually got.

It was an emotional week for me too. I’m not sure how much I want to get into the specifics, but I’ll talk a little about what I’ve realized as a result. The short version is I spend a lot of time, too much time, in the future. I get into this mode where I’m predicting what will or won’t happen, and things usually go negative fairly quickly. Sometimes, even after predicting a positive outcome, I’ll return to it later and go the negative route instead. It makes any moment of joy ephemeral—I almost immediately start thinking about how I can get that feeling again, and mostly assume I won’t be able to.

I tend to rehearse events ahead of time by going through the permutations of what I will and won’t say and trying to predict the responses to those things. Trying to glean information about something that hasn’t happened, and in some cases won’t happen, when there’s no real way to do that. So my brain invents. I run these experiments, though they aren’t really experiments because there is no actual data. It’s all imaginary.

This goes in reverse too. I revisit the past. I pick apart conversations and interactions trying to glean meaning or interpret intent when the present usually has the answers to those things.

The week was largely that, and frankly it’s exhausting. However, with my therapist and on my own I’ve realized two things: one, that this is happening, and two, that I’ve kind of found the solution: spontaneity and improv. Let me explain.

I noticed this first in NYC. We had some plans: a Broadway show, some dinner reservations, some destinations. Everything else was left open. We would walk to a destination, but if we saw something interesting we’d stop and do that. What that meant was that even though there were some unknowns—the kinds of things my brain tries to dissect and predict—the uncertainty is immediate and participatory. Participatory is the key. There’s something for me to respond to or interact with. Future uncertainty doesn’t provide that. There’s no data about the future. Nothing to interact with.

Good conversation can also do this. What I mean by good conversation is the kind that flows from one thing to the next, almost like a musical performance. Everyone is just riffing off of what the last speaker said. Not in an “I’m just waiting to speak” mode; it’s a listening and responding mode. Sometimes if I try to remember what those conversations were about, the details are fuzzy, but the impression they leave behind isn’t. Those conversations feed my soul, and I think it’s participatory improv that does it.

My therapist has picked up on this as well. She’s encouraged me in our last two sessions to pick up writing fiction again. I think it’s a good idea because it also taps into that same participatory improv. I have a destination in mind for the story and its characters, but I don’t actually know if I’ll reach that destination or what the characters will do or say.

I did some writing this week, and I’m trying to find space for more of it. Trying to find more participatory improv in general. Get out of my head, stop analyzing, participate rather than predict. That’s definitely what Mojo Kickball offers. I think it will be at least part of what the Kith + Kin chorus provides.

Things I enjoyed this week

• My friends and I rolled credits on Big Walk this week. We’re not done—there are still more puzzles to solve, but wow, what an incredible experience. I won’t spoil it, but the final set of puzzles before the credits is among my favorite experiences in gaming.
• I finished Kate Atkinson’s “One Good Turn” this week, and literally laughed out loud when I read the final sentence. No one does it better.

I spent most of the week in NYC (Tuesday through Thursday) and had an absolute blast. The main reason we were there was to see Meg Stalter in “Oh, Mary!” which was fantastic. It’s nonstop laughs for 80 minutes—each one zanier than the last. Stalter was great in it, as if the role was meant for her brand of offbeat, disruptive, physical style of comedy.

Other than that, we walked and ate our way through various NYC neighborhoods. I had a bagel, a slice of pizza, saw some art at the Met, and visited Chinatown and Little Italy. We bought books at The Strand, and sat in parks people-watching. It was a great trip. I love visiting cities.

“Costume Art” at the Met.

I did catch a cold at some point. By Saturday morning, I was sniffling and coughing. By Sunday, I was swilling down cold medicine, which for some reason tastes just as awful as it did when I was a kid. I’m on the upswing now.

I signed up for the Kith + Kin Chorus Crash Course: Five weeks of rehearsals culminating in a concert in week six. I’m nervous but excited. I sing a lot but have no training and have never sung in a chorus. Should be interesting.

Things I enjoyed this week

• I brought Kate Atkinson’s novel “One Good Turn” on the trip with me and was reminded again of how great a writer she is. I think she’s my favorite author.
• The demo for the second chapter of the “Trails in the Sky” remake came out, and I’m having such a good time being back in that world with those characters.

We had an absolutely gorgeous late summer weekend here. Blue skies, cool breezes, and low temps. It seemed like lots of folks were out of town too, squeezing out that last drop of summer at their cabins or on a lake somewhere.

We went for a walk early Saturday morning—early for us, anyway—and that made the whole day feel longer. Languid, luxurious. I spent it mostly doing nothing. Reading a book in the back yard with an ice-cold Diet Cherry Pepsi. Walking to get ice cream after dinner (which seemed to be everyone’s idea—the line at our local shop was the longest I’d seen).

Sunday was more of the same—another easy, slow day. It was so nice out, I hand-washed our car. I read a book in the back yard again too. I think we subconsciously decided to take things easy before heading to NYC this week.

On Thursday I had my second appointment with my therapist. This session was less me blurting out all the things I’d kept in my head leading up to me scheduling the first appointment and more digging into the specifics of why I might be feeling the way I’m feeling.

I’m not quite sure how we ended up there, but at the tail end of our session she encouraged me to do more writing. I brought a notebook to the session, which prompted my therapist to ask if I kept a journal. I said I’ve tried many times over the years starting in high school, but always abandon them. From there I segued into how I’m a writer, my small fiction publishing success, my training as a journalist. She suggested that by tapping into that creative side of myself more I may discover internally some of what I’ve been looking for externally and encouraged me to try writing a few times between then and our next session.

I of course immediately turned that into a tool-finding task and ordered a new notebook (technically a sketchbook) and some new pens. However, I also started a new note on my phone for a story idea that at the very least interests and excites me. It’s a new idea, too, not one of the ones I’ve been carrying around in my head or leaving in unfinished drafts over the years. I’m gonna try not to wait until I have the perfect tools to start writing and just try to get some of the idea out of my head and onto the page.

Things I enjoyed this week

• We finished the final season of “Hacks”, which is a very silly show that I enjoyed thoroughly. The main cast was great, but I really loved all the bit roles, especially the Mayor of Las Vegas played by Lauren Weedman.
• One of the final episodes featured the song “Bovine Excision” by Samia over the closing credits. I have since listened to it at least 20 times. It’s an incredible piece of songwriting. The lyric “I found the pea/can I eat it” is an all-timer.
• I went down the Samia rabbit hole and found her Tiny Desk Concert which floored me.

So it turns out I actually did injure myself playing kickball. I didn’t notice at first, but I’ve got a rather large purple and yellow bruise on the inside of my left leg. I most likely tore a muscle. I’m fine now—no pain, no stiffness. I’m able to walk normally and even ride my Peloton bike. I didn’t go to kickball this Sunday. I think I need more time to recover. I’ve got some stretches and strengthening exercises I’ll start this week, then I’ll take it from there.

The sign-up form for the chorus still hasn’t shown up online, so I’m checking that page a few times a day and refreshing my email for the announcement.

I went to my first therapy session on Thursday. I was nervous before I went, but once I got there and started talking it all just came out. I liked my therapist enough to go back. I’ve got regular Thursday appointments for the foreseeable future.

We saw Big Thief perform on Saturday. They’re a band I only discovered a few years ago, but I instantly fell in love with their music. Saturday was my first time seeing them live and they did not disappoint. At one point during the show the sound system stopped working mid-song. They didn’t miss a beat (ha ha). They finished the song and then led the crowd in a sing-a-long until the stage crew figured out the issue. Magical.

On Saturday we very rapidly planned a trip to New York for the last week of August. We learned Meg Stalter was playing the starring role in “Oh, Mary!” and quickly built a trip around it. It’ll be my first time in New York for something other than work, and my wife’s first time altogether. We don’t have anything else planned, which is a little nerve-wracking, but I think it will be good for us.

Things I enjoyed this week

• I started watching “The Chair Company”, Tim Robinson’s HBO show. It’s both exactly what I expected it to be and more. Robinson’s patented absurdity is there, but there’s this other layer that makes it richer.
• Audrey Hobert’s Tiny Desk concert is great.
• I’m still early in my listens, but Phoebe Bridgers’ new album “Lost Weekend”is stunning. Lyrically, musically, there’s just so much more than her previous albums. I can’t wait to see her in September.